Many people feel pressure to be in constant contact with their friends and family. They worry that if a day goes by without a chat or a week goes by without a meal, their bonds will start to fray. But those fears are unfounded. Think about a high school pal or a college roommate you went years without seeing, only to pick up as if you hadn’t missed a beat. In my essay for Times Opinion this week — adapted from my forthcoming book, “Vibe” — I argue that strong connections don’t merely tolerate distance; time and space apart can actually strengthen our ties. There’s a growing body of evidence that after a little separation, friends, siblings, colleagues and couples tend to feel closer to each other. When the people who matter to us are out of sight, they’re not out of our minds. And we’re more likely to appreciate their strengths and take their shortcomings in stride. After her husband hasn’t traveled for several months, a friend of mine sometimes says, “It’s time for you to go on a trip so I start to miss you.” When time together feels scarce, we’re more motivated to make the most of it. We have too much on our plates and too many people in our lives to have regular contact with everyone who matters to us. We shouldn’t be so quick to take offense at lapses in correspondence. What counts is not the frequency of communication; it’s the quality. Aristotle argued that virtue lies between deficiency and excess, and that’s true for our most important relationships. There’s a sweet spot between too little time and too much time with someone. When people I care about go a while without reaching out, I don’t hold it against them. I’m excited to hear from them.
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