Welcome back to TGIF in California. It’s the same me, but happy, calm, and oh, thanks for the coffee, Mom, some cream too please. Sounds like the baby is crying, were you planning on checking in there or. . . ? I told Bar that if she’s going to work like a hedge fund husband, then I get to vacation like a hedge fund wife, which means leaving New York City for the entirety of August and also buying expensive purses (in my case, that means this new hyper-technical baby backpack). In other notes, Sean Fischer this week gave himself a totally unauthorized promotion and told Evan Gardner to help as my TGIF right hand. He also got sick this week, which was not cleared beforehand. Welcome, Evan! See you in court, Sean.

Before we get to the news: Free Press senior editor Peter Savodnik has fled Los Angeles for Martha’s Vineyard for a few weeks, and he’d love to meet up with any FP readers, friends, foes, or anyone keen to discuss the state of America or the 50th anniversary of the release of Jaws. To hang out with Peter Savodnik, swing by Espresso Love, at 17 Church Street, in Edgartown MA, on Wednesday, August 20 at 10 a.m, and remind Peter that time is money and to please put down the macchiato and get back to his computer.

→ Trump is getting so rich: Sure President Trump brokered peace this week between Azerbaijan and Armenia, and that’s lovely, whatever those places are. But more importantly for this column’s purposes: Donald J. Trump’s family has made more money in crypto since the election than in any other part of their business empire, per a new Wall Street Journal story. One of the Trump family currencies is USD1, issued by World Liberty Financial. It’s pumped by an online trading platform called—and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this—PancakeSwap. And here I just quote:

PancakeSwap is an online marketplace for cryptocurrencies. It connects users who trade USD1 with newly created currencies such as Torch of Liberty and Eagles Landing. These patriotic-sounding coins, according to their websites, were launched this year with the main purpose of helping increase the use of USD1.

Imagine for a moment reading this sentence to Ben Franklin. Today this all reads like standard coin grift. But then it gets interesting: PancakeSwap was created by employees of Binance, a major crypto firm founded and majority-owned by Changpeng Zhao. Take a few guesses. Has this fellow Changpeng Zhao likely pleaded guilty to a felony? Related to money laundering? He has. Of course he has. And now he wants a pardon. Which I’m sure he’ll get. So now to understand power and wealth, corruption and crime, we all have to read things like this:

And we have to study entities like PancakeSwap. I don’t know why (probably some technical inside joke), but pancakes were a big part of 2010s Burning Man culture. I attended many start-up parties where people served pancakes. They were made using a hot plate plugged into an extension cord. We always ran out of syrup ten minutes after the event started. Now that language and aesthetic has reshaped the nation, becoming the official patois of presidential corruption. Another impressive win for the Bay Area. Go 49ers!

→ Americans actually have no idea if they’re rich or not: While Trump is certainly making money, we’re going to have less and less idea if any of us are. See: The July jobs numbers were weak, or showed a slowdown in growth, with only 73,000 jobs added. Asked if the administration would continue to release monthly job reports, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said “I believe that is the plan and that’s the hope.” She later added that “This president wants to ensure that the BLS, again, is putting out accurate and honest data that the American people can trust.” Right. And I’m going to return that money I borrowed from my friend as soon as my debit card stops giving me trouble. Goldman Sachs’ top economist and his team predicted that tariffs would cause inflation, and Trump then called for the man’s firing, writing on Truth Social: “Tariffs have not caused inflation, or any other problems for America, other than massive amounts of CASH pouring into our Treasury’s coffers. . . I think that David should go out and get himself a new Economist or, maybe, he ought to just focus on being a DJ, and not bother running a major Financial Institution.” David is David Solomon, head of Goldman Sachs, who is, yes, a sometime DJ. (A deep house set called “Quantitative Easing” sounds kind of hot, though, no?)

And just to be sure all the numbers we get are good numbers, Trump has this week nominated a die-hard Trumper, E.J. Antoni, to run the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

I am pleased to announce that I am nominating Highly Respected Economist, Dr. E.J. Antoni, as the next Commissioner of the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Our Economy is booming, and E.J. will ensure that the Numbers released are HONEST and ACCURATE.

From E.J., who has spent his career in conservative think tanks, we can expect more headlines like his recent article for the Heritage Foundation: “Trump Hits a Home Run with June’s Job Report.”

→ D.C. is totally safe (when holding a .45): Trump has sent in the National Guard to tamp down crime in D.C. Is it a symbolic overreaction? Theater? Yes and yes. But from the left, that’s not the critique. From the left, and by that I mean our mainstream newspapers, the critique is that D.C. has no crime problem. No issue at all. It’s perfect here. How could anyone dishonor our completely safe and pristine capital? That sound you heard was not a gun.

Here’s The New York Times’ chief White House correspondent: “Citing a nonexistent crime crisis, Trump plans to take over the Washington D.C. police and put troops in the streets of the nation’s capital.” Is the crime crisis nonexistent? Sure, the homicide rate is falling, but D.C. is still a very high-crime city. Not the very worst, but not great. Fewer murders but the baseline is a lot of murders. And car theft is bad, with D.C. ranking ahead of every U.S. state in motor vehicle thefts per 100,000 people, as of the most recent reporting in 2023. But cars are stolen because they are wearing short skirts. Car stealing isn’t anyone’s fault but the car’s. You think I’m joking?

This was such a classic. From that old piece: “Stolen Kias and Hyundais have been involved in numerous deadly crashes, armed robbery sprees, and other crimes around the country. ‘We’re recovering guns out of a lot of Kias that are stolen,’ ” said Seattle’s then-police chief. The Kias are armed!

D.C. police released a really simple guide to avoid carjackings:

• Drive in the center lane to make it harder for potential carjackers to approach the car.

• AVOID driving alone. Travel with someone whenever possible, especially at night.

• When you are coming to a stop, leave enough room to maneuver around other cars, especially if you sense trouble and need to get away.

Easy peasy. I just remember to get my kids in their car seats, put snacks in the cup holders, and leave enough room between other cars and me for tactical maneuvers. And if the Kia pulls out a gun, my CRV does too. Another D.C. police nugget: D.C.’s crime lab lost accreditation in 2021 and only this year received permission just to analyze fingerprints.

As The Washington Post puts it: “‘This is a safe city, but overhearing and witnessing gang threats and then watching the camera footage of the thuggery is disturbing,’ said one resident, speaking on the condition of anonymity over concerns of personal safety.” This is a safe city, but . . . we must whisper. It’s very safe, but I’m also really, really scared.

Anand Giridharadas said it beautifully on MSNBC: “When I go to D.C., I’m not afraid of losing my wallet so much as I’m afraid of losing my vote. I’m not afraid of losing my wallet so much as I’m afraid that my children’s freedom to breathe will be stolen in a world where climate change policy is nonexistent.” Anand, I hear you, but keep the wallet in your front pocket just in case they’re angling for your vote and your Amex.

And if you think that the only team manipulating numbers is Trump with his Heritage soldiers, let me introduce you to the D.C. police department. Supervisors have been under pressure to manipulate crime data to make it appear that violent crime has fallen compared to years past, according to the police union. ​​“ ‘When our members respond to the scene of a felony offense where there is a victim reporting that a felony occurred, inevitably there will be a lieutenant or a captain that will show up on that scene and direct those members to take a report for a lesser offense,’ Fraternal Order of Police Chairman Gregg Pemberton said.” Sure, someone’s killed their girlfriend and is waving a gun in the air, but have you considered reporting it as a speeding ticket? The house has been broken into and the children are missing, but disorderly conduct has a better ring to it, I think. One police commander who allegedly changed crime data has been put on leave over it.

So to review the official United States statistics: Our job numbers are the highest ever recorded, and crime is the lowest you can imagine...