Silence is golden—except when it’s used as punishment, parenting experts warn.

Giving your kid the silent treatment when you’re angry about something “is one of the worst types of punishment, because it is basically telling your kid, ‘I’m totally dismissing you. You’re not even worth talking to or looking at,’ and it induces so much shame,” says adolescent psychologist Barbara Greenberg.

Here’s why communication—not silence—is the best path to take when you’re angry with your kid.

Your child may not understand why you’re icing them out

“When you punish the kids with silence, you kind of overestimate that they’ll understand the point of the silence,” says Kier Gaines, licensed therapist, father, and parenting influencer, explaining that by not communicating clearly, you leave your child to figure out your behavior on their own.

And sometimes when kids are acting in a way that enrages you, it’s because they “desperately need closeness.”

Meeting that need with silence, he says, offers the opposite: distance. “And distance, in the mind of a child, is a hurtful thing to endure,” Gaines says.

You’re not modeling healthy behavior

Just as problematic are the lessons he or she will take from your behavior.

“It teaches them not only to be conflict-avoidant, but makes them conflict-terrified,” says Greenberg, “and it makes them afraid to upset anybody, perhaps also teaching them to communicate less.”

It could all have the effect of turning a child into an adult who has a hard time saying the important and uncomfortable things—“You hurt my feelings,” “This is uncomfortable,” “I don’t really like this,” “I’m not okay,” he says.

Do this instead

A much better approach is to speak to them about what upset you. When you do that, not only do you model healthy emotional processing, you also let them in. “You communicate and you tell them what’s going on,” Gaines says, “so they don’t have to wonder or guess, because in a child’s mind, they default to, ‘Oh, it’s my fault.’”

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