1

"Are you the original owner of this car?"

What does that have to do with the smog test? And I'm wary of giving the wrong answer but I say yes and the guy starts asking me questions about my car and then he starts smiling...HE WANTS TO BUY IT!

For years no one even knew what it was. And as a result of making it for only two years and Saab going out of business my 9-2x was worth less than the equivalent WRX, even though it was better appointed, with the steering from the STi and...my nephew alerted me a couple of years back that prices were soaring, to a level high above the Subaru version, much higher, you could get about 10k for a clean machine with the equivalent mileage...but mine's only clean under the hood, the paint job is execrable. You get something for your money. You can pay twice as much for a BMW and it won't drive a whole hell of a lot better but it'll have better sound insulation and a computer and other technology and...

This guy knew what my 9-2x was. More than he was letting on at first. Because he wanted a deal. And I was tempted, except for the fact that I went through a previous experience with the stereo installer on my last BMW and he lowballed me to the point where I ended up giving it away to my friend Leo. And after almost a decade, Leo sold it to some kid who had two, he was going to assemble one good car out of both, and I was driving down a side street in Culver City and I saw a car that looked like my old one and I checked the license plate and it was! I lowered my window and yelled to the guy inside...THAT'S MY CAR, YOU'RE DRIVING MY CAR! But it didn't mean anything to him. I'd bought that car new, drove it for twenty years and felt an endless ownership position, but that's not how this teenager saw it.

And when that car had too many problems to fix, after I put in too much money trying to fix it, I bought this one.

At first I road-tested the WRX. Because after driving BMWs I needed a performance automobile. And the WRX had great performance, but a ride so stiff it would send me to the orthopedist, so I passed.

But then Jim Rondinelli told me about the 9-2x, which had a softer suspension and I test drove it and got $7500 off because Leo worked for a GM affiliate (at this point GM owned Saab), and I was never really happy. My twenty year old BMW had a computer, sensors that told you when the oil was low, never mind the pressure, and this car had basically...nothing.

And you want to feel good about a new automobile, and every once in a while a valet parker would remark on it, because they're into hot cars, and this was one, the tuner automobile of choice at the time, not that I ever changed anything but the stereo.

But after making my peace with the 9-2x, I started to get into it. Because it has amazing performance. It's four wheel drive and turbocharged, from back when almost no cars were turbocharged, never mind having a hood scoop, and on the canyon roads, weaving my way in traffic on the 405, on Mulholland, it was a blast to drive, STILL IS!

But it hasn't been trouble-free. Even though "Consumer Reports" just rated Subaru the most reliable car in the world. Then again, the repairs were much cheaper than they were at the BMW dealership. I mean how much can you charge a Subaru owner? (Which is where I have the car serviced, the Subaru dealership...they see Subarus all day long, I want someone who knows the car to work on it. I know I'm paying a premium, but it's for peace of mind.)

So, my car is twenty years old. And I have no desire to get a new one. Which is funny, because years ago, back in the seventies, even the eighties, I'd obsess about cars. I mean if someone dropped a new one on me I wouldn't complain, but odds of it driving a whole hell of a lot better than this one are very low. It'd be quieter, more luxurious, but on the streets of L.A...

It gets terrible gas mileage, and requires premium, but it's paid for, and registration is very cheap, even though insurance is not, the companies know what the car is and charge appropriately. They don't care that I'm not street-racing.

2

So I think every state requires smog testing these days, but back in the last century, California was one of the first, if not the very first. And for a while, you could scam it. Pay the tester and get a certificate. But they put the kibosh on that, furthermore everything is now computerized, results are sent directly to the DMV and...

It's hard to beat the system.

But it's not that hard to fail the test.

Actually, just when they started smog testing I took my BMW 2002 in and it failed. But back then the outlets could fix it, now most stations are test only. And they charged me fifty bucks to squirt a two dollar can of cleaner into the carburetor and I felt ripped-off, but the car hadn't driven that well in years! And, needless to say, it passed.

But that car got totaled and I purchased a new BMW, and after about ten years (I own/drive the cars until they die) it didn't pass the test, and I was broke to boot, I didn't have the money to fix it. But the tech told me to drive it on the freeway really hard for about ten miles and to come back, and then it passed.

As far as this car goes, the Saab 9-2x, it's been smooth sailing, except for this one time...

I was in Santa Monica and they wouldn't pass me because they said a hose exhibited cracks. And I brought it to Subaru to be fixed and the head mechanic was incensed. Told me that's an exhaust-only hose and it lasts forever and he gave me the name of his guy deep in the Valley and I went there and the car passed no problem, and it has continued to pass.

But now it's twenty years old. Nothing lasts forever.

So I go to the Smog Stop today knowing if there's a problem I've got enough time to run to the Subaru shop and...

The guy wants to buy my car. I was tempted to have him make me an offer, but I realized no matter what he said I was never going to sell it, because then I'd have to buy a new car!

So after about ten or fifteen minutes this same guy comes into the waiting room with a smile on his face and says "Your car is ready!"

And then I go outside to the cash register and he takes my credit card and then he tells me I'm going to have to come back.

Huh? This I wasn't prepared for, my anxiety had dissipated, what the hell went wrong?

So this guy points to two elements on the printout. Even highlights them in yellow. And I'm getting ready to drive straight to Subaru Sherman Oaks when he says... "Did you get a new battery?"

YES!

But what does that have to do with it.

And he starts spewing gobbledygook that I don't understand but ultimately there's a communication breakthrough and it becomes clear... The oxygen sensor and the computer are reset when you install a new battery, and you have to drive the car fifty to a hundred, maybe two hundred miles before the machine can get a reading.

And I hadn't driven that far.

He told me to drive steadily for fifty to a hundred miles on the freeway and it should take care of the problem.

Yeah, right. I'm skeptical, I'm going to come for a retest and the only difference will be I'll fail closer to the drop dead date for renewal, but then the guy says my car PASSED!

Now wait a minute...

He said it was all good, but he needed these two other readings to give me a certificate and...

I didn't know what to think.

But ultimately I drove off the lot with kind of a smile on my face.

I reset the trip odometer. I'll wait until the end of the month and go back.

Will it pass?

I wanted my anxiety extinguished, yet it's still flickering. But that's life, nothing is easy, nothing ever goes smoothly.

No, let me restate that. EVERYTHING does not go smoothly. And oftentimes it's not what you expect.

Like I'm flying home from Toronto and there's an emergency on the plane. They're calling for a doctor, more than once. And the flight attendants are running up and down the aisle and there are more announcements over the PA and...after I get over the shock of what might be happening back there, I realize...

This plane may have to make an emergency landing. You read about it all the time. For one person they'll do this, that's the value of a life, it exceeds everybody else's needs.

So I was prepared for a really long day but we made it to L.A. and they held us on the plane and the paramedics came on and escorted this guy off and I got in on time, but...

You never know.


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