|
 |
Thanks for signing up to be a free subscriber! This post in public so it’s free to access by all. If you want to, please heart-react this post, which improves its visibility to the platform, so this newsletter can continue to thrive and grow.
I Feel Guilty Spending Money on Myself (Reader Asks)
When you've learned to put everyone else first, even buying yourself a coat can feel like an act of selfishness.
|
| |||||||||||||||
Hi. Welcome to my feminist advice column. You can read all previous entries HERE. For those of you who want to write me a letter, you can fill in THIS FORM directly. I will answer your question in a letter here in about a month (or potentially more, my backlog is a bit crowded, sorry!).
Reader question: Why Do I Feel Guilty Spending Money on Myself When My Family Can Afford It?
 |
"How can I stop feeling guilty if I want something for myself? I'm 35, married, with a 4-year old child. I have a normal family, with a mortgage, therapy for everyone, bills to pay, no crazy spending. Ever since I got married and we had our kid I feel like I'm putting myself last and I just kept buying for our child everything he needed and beyond: he has an entire closet full of clothes he won't get to wear at all, realistically speaking, because he's growing fast, room full of toys, for the home I'm also buying whatever we need, but when it comes to spending for me specifically I can't find it in me to buy a new coat although I'd need one. I always feel guilty at the thought, I don't know why because my husband wouldn't forbid it.
When I know how many things we need to buy or the bills that are due, it's completely inhibiting me. My husband is a smoker and it feels like it's adding up to a huge amount of money monthly, while I almost talk myself out of buying period pads and tampons. I'd like to sign up for a pilates class or something because I feel like I need to be more active and some extra pounds have been piling up but I can't find the courage. It wouldn't cost a fortune but I also know my husband could use some dental work, but he prefers smoking instead of saving up for it.
My mother feels like my only friend and she encourages me to not put myself last and she keeps telling me that my son already has everything he needs so I can start splurging a bit on myself too. But I still feel guilty thinking about our finances generally and about my husband's dental health. I want to care less and value myself more, but I don't know how to escape the guilt."
My Answer: You’ve Learned to Treat Yourself as the Least Important Person
That’s exactly what’s wanted of you, by the patriarchal culture we live in.
I want you to notice something about the way you’ve described your household. Your son has clothes he won’t get to wear and toys he probably doesn’t need. Your husband spends money on cigarettes. His dental health is his responsibility, but he continues to prioritize smoking over saving for the treatment he needs. And you can’t bring yourself to replace a coat you actually need or buy period products without feeling guilty.
Do you see the problem here? You’re treating your own needs as negotiable while treating everyone else’s wants and needs as your responsibility. And you’ve internalized the patriarchal idea that this is what being a good wife and mother looks like. Even if you want to mentally get rid of that guilt, you need to be aware that’s where the guilt stems from. And it’s not your fault, you didn’t decide to develop these beliefs in a vacuum, this is the result of decades of patriarchal social conditioning.
Now you need to realize that you’ve accepted a family dynamic in which your needs are the first to be sacrificed, even when the people around you aren’t making equivalent sacrifices themselves.
Your husband doesn’t have to forbid you from buying a coat for you to feel that you aren’t allowed to buy one. That’s the particularly insidious thing about unequal relationships: sometimes nobody needs to issue an explicit command because one person has already internalized the responsibility to make sure everyone else is comfortable. You anticipate the bills, think about future expenses, worry about your husband’s dental health, consider what your child might need, and calculate all the things that could go wrong if you spend money on yourself. Meanwhile, your husband gets to make his own spending decisions, including spending money on cigarettes, without feeling any guilt.
You say he’s not explicitly telling you to put yourself last or forbiding you from buying that coat or that Pilates class. Sure, but he’s not encouraging you either or noticing what you need the way you notice his needs. The absence of strong opposition doesn’t make him a good partner.
This is the mental load, and it’s not limited to remembering appointments, buying groceries, or knowing when your child needs new shoes. It includes anticipating financial needs, planning for future expenses, deciding what the family can afford, worrying about whether everyone is adequately provided for, and feeling personally responsible when something gets neglected. You’re carrying the emotional burden of the household’s finances, too, and experiencing it as guilt. You’re probably contributing a lot of free work too, because this is the hidden economy of patriarchy.
And the result is that you seem to have developed a rule for yourself: everyone else gets what they need, and you get whatever remains. The trouble is that there will always be another bill, another household expense, another thing your child might need, another reason to postpone your own needs.
If you wait until every possible family expense has been handled before you’re allowed to spend anything on yourself, you’ll be waiting forever.
Your son doesn’t need an endless supply of clothes and toys. He needs a mother who has a decent coat when wi