Discussing Social Issues with Men: The Red Flags We Explain Away

I know we’re all very affected by the Cornell University case. Rightfully so.

In the wave of anger we’re all feeling after yet another shocking case (the Cornell University rape is just the latest, after a particularly bad year of similarly shocking rape culture revelations, from the rape academies and networks to how common it is for women to be assaulted in their sleep, the Lindsay Clancy case, men spiking women’s drinks with preworkout mix and many, many others), one particularly painful topic keeps popping up. Talking to men you know about what bothers us.

How the men in our lives are reacting to the case that’s on everyone’s lips and how disappointing their reactions often are. What this reveals about them and, perhaps, on an even scarier note, about our own deeply held desire to ignore potential red flags just to assume the men we’re connected to belong to the ‘good ones’ bucket.

I’m dismayed to see how many men are falling short of any expectation of basic human decency or having a modicum of empathy, as all your stories (and my own experiences) confirm. I love seeing strong feminist voices like Zawn Villines push back against attempts of normalizing this failure of empathy in men and rightfully calling out that no, this isn’t just a miscommunication or just a typical male perspective thing or a ‘two POVs to any situation’ kind of thing.

So I decided to go a bit deeper into this and prepare a 10-step conversation guide to help you all decode what do men actually mean when they say something that feels off in response to you bringing up feminist topics or any social issues in general. Also, I’ll dive into the more subtle conversational signs that a man’s attitude towards important human rights issues is lacking, even when he’s not overtly pushing back. ...