Dear Tough Lovers,

Some of you may know that the idea for this advice column came from a single paragraph, which Abigail wrote last spring. It was in a piece about how young Americans these days are increasingly de-prioritizing the kind of love depicted in (what I think is) the greatest rom-com of all time, “When Harry Met Sally”—and it reads:

“No one tells young people what they most need to hear. You don’t know yourself as well as you might think. Give someone else a chance. By all means, study hard, travel, find a good job, have mimosas with friends. But don’t mistake subplot for storyline. When love arrives, drop whatever you were doing, grab an Uber, take the first flight out. Life is not the backdrop to your career, and love isn’t an accessory. It’s an adventure.”

Reading her words then, I got goosebumps. (I still do!) Little did I know, Abigail was working on a book on this very topic, an investigation into why young people are avoiding dating—let alone marriage and children—and becoming cynical about the opposite sex. It’s a book that America urgently needs. It’s called “The Plot Against Love: Why the Kids Aren’t Pairing Up” and—drum roll, please—it’s now available to preorder! Click here to make sure a copy lands on your doorstep as soon as possible.

Also, the cover has just been released—and it’s incredible:

And now, without further ado, here is Abigail’s latest column, in which she writes to a 26-year-old who’s anxious about the “hellscape” that is modern dating—but not on her own behalf . . . —Freya Sanders

Hi Abigail,

I’ve been blessed with quite possibly the greatest big brother in the entire world—whip-smart, ridiculously funny, kindhearted, ambitious, and bouncing-off-the-walls active. I consider him my best friend and often tell others that we would have been twins if not for God taking pity on our parents.

As wonderful as I think he is, he can’t seem to get a girlfriend.

He’s had a few relationships (or “situationships” as my generation calls them) but never anything really long-term or significant. I think part of the issue is that he’s always been very self-conscious, especially in social situations. He has improved a lot in recent years and has become a lot more confident, but when it comes to his love life, I think his lack of history with romantic relationships stops him from feeling comfortable.

I feel for him, because being on dating apps isn’t easy. Two years ago, I met my significant other, who I now expect to marry, on one. I still wonder how I managed it, considering that the apps are a hellscape for people looking to settle down. My brother has said he would prefer to meet someone in real life, but then doesn’t really act like a person looking to meet someone. He has a lot of hobbies that keep him out of the house when he isn’t working, but none of them are in a community setting. Also, he is in his first year of medical residency, leaving him exhausted even in his off-hours. Girls have shown interest (like a nurse at his hospital), but he doesn’t take my advice on how to pursue it. Friends have tried to set him up, but it never seems to work out.

I want my brother to find a loving, healthy relationship with someone who genuinely shares his values and hopes for the future. I know he wants this, too, but his conversations with me lately have shown a lack of hope and a general sense of having given up. As he approaches 30, I’m worried he might be running out of time although, realistically, I know he is not under the same biological constraints as I am.

My fear is that a lack of practice in relationships only makes it harder to form one as time goes on. I’m also worried that trying to address this with him directly will only lead to more insecurity on his part, which may spiral into a worsened mental state for someone who already places a lot of pressure on himself. Online discourse about the male loneliness epidemic also makes me anxious. Luckily, he has shown no signs of becoming a woman-hating “incel.” From the way he treats family, friends, and those situationships that didn’t work out, I think he would actually make a very thoughtful partner.

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So my question is this: Do I talk to my brother about his love life? If so, how do I even approach it? Also, do you happen to know any successful young women serious about settling down and having a family who might be interested in a buff, handsome, 5′11″ doctor?

—Tasha, 26

Tasha,

Weep for Ignaz Semmelweis. The 19th-century Hungarian obstetrician noticed that poor women who gave birth in the streets of Vienna had a lower maternal mortality rate than those who gave birth in its best hospitals. He hypothesized that Viennese doctors—his colleagues—were inadvertently transmitting dangerous particles they had picked up working with cadavers to the new mothers. He recommended that the doctors wash their hands.

Everyone treated Semmelweis like a madman who had libeled his own profession. Doctors responsible for killing mothers? They were the helpers! His wife and physician friends had him committed to a mental institution where Semmelweis died a broken man.

But in addition to laying the groundwork for germ theory, Semmelweis bequeathed to us a critical lesson: Good intentions can make bad interventions. Wanting to help is not the same as helping. Those with lovely motives sometimes make matters worse...