Husband Says Feminist Propaganda Made His Wife a Worse Partner (Reader Asks)

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Reader Asks: Husband Says He is Disappointed in Me and That I Used to Make His Life Easier

“I’ve been married for 14 years and lately I’ve been having this really uncomfortable realization that maybe the person my husband fell in love with isn’t actually the person he wanted as a wife, if that makes sense. When we met I was 24, very easygoing, very accommodating, and honestly I didn’t have much of a life outside of him. I was happy to go wherever he wanted, see his friends, spend time with his family, help him with whatever he needed. I was also the one who took care of pretty much everything at home even though we both worked. At the time I didn’t really see anything wrong with it. I actually thought I was just a very “good girlfriend” and later “good wife.”

Over the years I’ve changed quite a lot. I went back to school, got a much better job, started making my own money, made friends that are actually mine and not just his friends’ wives, and got much more comfortable saying no to things I don’t want to do. I also started therapy a few years ago and that’s probably the biggest change. I’m not constantly trying to keep everyone happy anymore. I don’t automatically drop everything when he needs something. I don’t feel guilty if I want to spend a Saturday doing something for myself.

My husband, however, seems to like me a lot less. He says I’ve become selfish and difficult and that I don’t care about us the way I used to. He complains that I don’t do little things for him anymore, that I’m always busy with my own stuff, that I’m not as spontaneous, that I don’t make as much effort with his family, etc. He also makes comments sometimes about how I used to be so much more sweet and feminine and easygoing. I’ve tried really hard to take this as criticism I should actually listen to. I don’t want to become one of those people who goes to therapy and then decides everyone else is the problem. So for the last couple years I’ve honestly been trying to figure out what I did wrong and how to get back to being the person he was happier with.

But recently something happened that made me question all of this. I had to travel for work for a few days and he was complaining beforehand about having to handle some things around the house while I was gone. I told him I thought it would be good for him to get used to doing more himself because I’ve been doing way too much for years. He got really upset and said that I used to be someone who actually made his life easier and now everything is a struggle. And I don’t know why but that sentence just really stayed with me. I suddenly started thinking about all the things he says he misses about the old me, and almost every single one is something I used to do for him.

He misses when I cooked more often or when I didn’t question plans. He misses when I was happy to take care of things with his family. He misses when I didn’t mind doing more around the house. He misses when I needed him more. Even the things he says he misses about my personality seem to be related to how accommodating I was. And I suddenly had this horrible thought that maybe he isn’t actually disappointed in the woman I’ve become, just that I’m not as useful to him anymore. I told him as much as he says I’m being absurd and that I took feminist propaganda too literally. He says it’s normal to do things for each other in a relationship and that he’s also willing to do things for me if I ask.

I feel awful even writing that because I do still love him and I don’t think he’s some cartoon villain who deliberately set out to manipulate me. I also don’t want to throw away 14 years of marriage over something that might just be a bad interpretation of his behavior. But I can’t stop thinking about it now. I spent years trying to become the woman he wanted again because I thought I’d somehow become a worse wife. Now I’m wondering if I’ve actually just become a woman who is harder to take for granted.

Am I being unfair to him? Is this just what happens when one person changes and the other person doesn’t know how to adjust? Or is there something deeper going on here that I’m finally seeing?”...