Am I Expecting Too Much In Relationships? (Reader Letter)

Thank you for reading my feminist advice column. For those of you who want help figuring out a particular dynamic, need more clarity about a situation or if you’re just curious what my take would be, feel free to leave me a comment here, or fill in THIS FORM directly. I will answer your question in a letter here, while preserving your anonymity (unless you prefer otherwise).

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Reader Asks: How Much Emotional Support Is Reasonable for Me to Expect?

“Hi, I'm reaching out because I'm struggling to make sense of a relationship situation and would value the perspective of someone who understands interpersonal dynamics, boundaries, gender socialization, and emotional labor.

I'm a woman in my 40s with a history that includes significant violence, trauma, and a lifetime of being the person others lean on. Professionally, I work in crisis intervention and counseling-related roles, so I'm very accustomed to supporting others. What I'm less skilled at is determining when my own needs are reasonable and when I'm asking for too much.

I've been involved in a relationship that has left me questioning my expectations. On paper, there is no obvious abuse, cruelty, or intentional harm. But I often find myself feeling profoundly alone within the relationship and I have a pattern for staying in relationships that aren't meeting my needs just because they aren't "as bad" as my last one. When I'm struggling, I don't necessarily want someone to rescue me or solve my problems. What I want is to feel emotionally accompanied—to feel like someone notices, checks in, and shares some of the weight of being human.

Instead, I frequently feel as though I'm carrying my own burdens while also providing a great deal of emotional support to others. This has led me to wonder whether my expectations are unrealistic, or whether I've become so accustomed to self-reliance that I've lowered the bar for what mutual support can look like.

I have a history that has made independence feel necessary, and I sometimes struggle to distinguish between healthy self-sufficiency and settling for relationships that don't fully meet my emotional needs. I don't want to expect a partner to be responsible for my happiness, but I also don't want to dismiss legitimate needs for care, attention, and reciprocity.

I find myself asking questions such as:

• What differentiates healthy independence from emotional neglect within a relationship?

• How can someone tell whether they're asking for too much versus settling for too little?

• Are there gendered expectations at play when women are socialized to provide emotional labor but hesitate to ask for it in return?

• What does reciprocal emotional support actually look like in healthy adult relationships?

• How do people learn to trust their own assessment of a relationship when they're accustomed to minimizing their own needs?
  

I'm not necessarily looking for a verdict on my relationship. I'm more interested in understanding the broader dynamics at work and whether my expectations for partnership are reasonable.

Thank you for any thoughts you're willing to share, and thank you for the work you do.”

My Answer: You Are Pressuring Yourself to Accept Unequal Effort

Hi, and thank you for trusting me. What struck me most about your letter is that you’re asking whether your expectations are too high, while describing a life in which you’ve spent decades carrying more than your share.

You have a history of trauma, you work in crisis intervention and you are accustomed to being the helper. You describe yourself as someone others lean on, and I can see it. And yet despite all of that, you are not asking for someone to rescue you, financially support you, solve your problems, or make you happy.

You’re asking for companionship, to feel actually seen and accompanied.

You’re asking to feel like someone notices when you’re struggling even if you’re not asking for them to rush in and solve your problems for you. This is the minimum bar for any meaningful close connection, whether that is romantic or not. This is such a modest request that I worry you’ve lost sight of how modest it actually is.

What you described reminded me a lot of the deep loneliness epidemic that women experience in marriages, because their partners feel entitled to treat them like they are invisible, except when they want something from them. Your letter describes the same kind of loneliness in friendships as well, but the overall point stands.

One thing I’ve noticed in women who have survived violence, trauma, neglect, or chronic over-responsibility is that they often become excellent at surviving emotional loneliness. So excellent, in fact, that they stop recognizing it as loneliness.

Because they can function, the can work, care for others, solve problems, and get through crises. The question shouldn’t be “Can I survive without support?” but “Why am I still surviving without support when I’m supposedly in a partnership?” or “Why am I the only one extending emotional support, repeatedly, in this friendship?’

I think that’s the tension running through your letter.

You seem to questions whether you’re capable of carrying your own burdens. You clearly are. The question is whether you should have to carry quite so many of them alone. Don’t get me wrong, all of us are responsible for their own struggles and it’s great that you can carry yours alone if needed.