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I meant to get back to you earlier, but the afternoon disappeared on me and I only just sat down again.
I checked the notes, and I think the easiest approach is to keep it simple for now, then adjust once we see how it feels in practice.
I already moved the earlier draft into a cleaner version, and I added a few clarifying lines where things felt abrupt.
The part that helped most was stepping away for ten minutes and reading it again with fresh eyes, because I kept missing the same awkward phrase in the middle L1niLvufqOxelU and it finally stood out once I came back.
If you want, I can look at it one more time tomorrow and tighten the ending so it lands more smoothly.
I do not think anything is off track. It mostly needs a calm pass and a little consistency.
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I had a little more time this morning, so I tried the alternate version and it reads much better than the first one.
The main issue was not the structure after all; it was just that the middle section drifted and made the whole thing feel longer than it needed to.
I trimmed a few repeated thoughts, changed the order of two lines, and suddenly it felt clearer without becoming stiff.
I also noticed that I work faster when I leave a rough note for myself instead of trying to perfect each sentence in one sitting L1niLvufqOxelU, which is probably obvious but I keep forgetting it.
Anyway, I think you were right to pause instead of forcing it. Once I looked again with a calmer head, the small fixes were easy to see.
Send over the next version when you have it and I can review it again.