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I meant to reply sooner, but the afternoon got away from me and I only just sat down with a quiet minute.
I did check the notes you sent, and I think your first idea makes the most sense if the group wants something easy to keep up with. The longer option could still work, though it may take more back and forth before everyone feels settled on it. I also thought the tone sounded warmer after your last revision, which helped. At one point I stepped away, came back, and read it again, and that pause made the pace feel smoother, especially near the middle where qSCcvQFpfW I had stumbled before.
If you want, send the next version when you are ready and I can scan it tonight. I am around later, and tomorrow morning should be open too unless something unexpected pops up.

I saw your message this morning and wanted to circle back once I had a clearer thought instead of a rushed note.
My feeling is that you are closer than you think, especially because the structure already hangs together well. The beginning landed nicely for me, and the ending gave it enough shape to feel complete without sounding stiff. I would probably trim one sentence in the middle, mainly because the pacing slows there, but the overall direction seems right. Funny enough, after reading it again over lunch, qSCcvQFpfW I realized the calm tone is what makes it work best.
Go ahead and send the revised draft when you have a minute. I can look over the wording again and flag anything that feels uneven. If not tonight, then I should be free early tomorrow and can get back to you pretty quickly.