| Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: For some background: My parents and my wife have never really gotten along. The long story short is that my parents are very extroverted, wife is not. She also has some social anxiety, so being around my parents for long periods of time can exacerbate it, especially when they say things like, “Why are you being so quiet, [wife]?” That said, both parties are pretty cordial when they see each other, which happens only a few times a year, since my parents live on the other side of the country. We have a 4-year-old daughter and set up a video call with my parents every Saturday. Daughter is starting to enjoy these calls, and you can tell they’re building a relationship. Sometimes wife will pop in for a few minutes and say hello, sometimes she doesn’t come on at all. Since I know she has a difficult relationship with my parents, I don’t pressure her to join these calls. If she’s not there, then my mom will typically ask, “Where’s [wife]?” I’ll make some excuse like, “She’s running an errand,” to which my mother says something about “next time,” and we move on. Lately, though, my mom has gotten pushier and pushier. When I was confirming a call, my mom said, “Maybe we should reschedule these calls for a time we can talk with [wife], too. It’s frustrating that we hardly ever do.” She said that when she was younger, she and my dad would always talk with their respective in-laws and that whenever she video-chats with my brother and sister, she talks with their spouses, too. I guess I’m not really understanding why my mom is so laser-focused on my wife. In my mind, these calls are for my parents and daughter to build a relationship. How can I get her to focus on that? — Pushed |
