| Adapted from an online discussion. Hi, Carolyn: My mom has memory loss and probably depression, and visiting her is just really hard. She’s in assisted living not far from us, and I love her, but I frankly dread visits with her and have a hard time making myself go as often as I know I should. Do you have any suggestions for how to try to carry on a conversation and/or make these visits less depressing and tedious? She will ask the same questions more than once and just … never actually seems interested in having us there. She won’t go for walks or sit outside or go to people’s houses the vast majority of the time. — Dreading Visits Dreading Visits: Think of anything your mom used to enjoy and can still do. It may absorb her and become its own source of conversation, or remove the need to talk. So: jigsaw puzzles, crafts, cards, simple board games, old movies, a streamed TV show with a ton of episodes. Even if she can’t follow a chapter book, maybe she can lose herself in your reading her favorite to her. Or, children’s books that are delightful for any age, like Kate DiCamillo’s. If these sound like a babysitting gig, then that isn’t an accident. You want a cooperative, rewarding, sensory experience with some agency, and to meet your mom where she is. Ask the assisted-living staff, because all these adults are different, plus your mother’s own capacities may be in flux. Some can follow a TV show, some can’t; some will find children’s material insulting, some will snap it up. Just in the live responses to this answer, one commenter said coloring books were a hit with their relative, but another said such childlike gifts bothered theirs. Conversation is a healthy person’s default approach to visiting, but it’s not the only way to connect. Your mom chooses now, from what your heart offers. Readers have more ideas to try: · When my grandmother had Alzheimer’s, my grandfather just played music for her. She couldn’t really have conversations. But she would tap her finger to the music and hum. · We take our mother for drives and try routes with lots to see: people walking dogs or neighborhoods with interesting houses. She and I still laugh at the expressions on dogs’ faces and imagine what the dog is thinking. · I found that getting my mother to talk about the past was the best. General questions that led her into whatever memories she could access resulted in her enjoying the visit and in me learning some things about her life that I had not known. · I visit my mother with my iPad and share pictures I have taken since my last visit. I play an instrument and will record myself and share that with her. She still will ask me the same questions, but it is broken up when I have something to share. · This may seem odd, but I used to ask my father, who was quite far along with dementia, for work advice, and I always saw a happier look on his face as soon as I asked. People like to help, and it gives them a sense of value as well. · My mother-in-law remembers how to play cribbage, so we do that a lot. · Cue up a few dog videos or whatever they’re interested in, and let them enjoy it! · My mother-in-law enjoyed going through family photo albums. Those photos often triggered happy memories — and kept her engaged and cheerful. · Be kind to yourself. It’s incredibly painful to see your loved ones slip away in front of you. Read your responses to this week’s reader question We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Column Carolyn Hax and Haben Kelati | | | | 
