The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.

Careers

CASTING THE BOSS: Jeremy Allen White of The Bear and the dreams you aren’t comfortable bringing up at work will play Bruce Springsteen in the new biopic about the iconic singer.

Personal

NEW SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE: During a heat wave or fights on the reef, clown fish can actually shrink themselves to survive. This is wildly more successful than humans’ tactic for handling heat/conflict resolution—getting really upset and letting it ruin your day.

NOT DEAD YET: Casual readers are screened out, and no one with less than 600k Instagram followers can get a book deal. So, DIY zines are making a huge comeback.

FOUND - SEDAN: An 80-year-old man tried to drive a Benz down the iconic Spanish Steps in Rome, but got stuck halfway down. Authorities had to lift the car out with a crane. In the driver’s defense, he didn’t see a “no parking” sign anywhere.

For Sale

FAKE PANGOLIN PURSE: The only mammal covered completely in scales is likely heading to the endangered species list. The US Fish & Wildlife Service proposed moving the scaly little guys to the list to ban their imports and sales. First mink, now pangolin, next they’re going to say we can’t buy any more blue whale boots.

FRENCH 102: Wild weather patterns bolstered by climate change may be changing juniper berries, which in effect could change the flavor of gin. Blame your bitter Negroni on traffic.

DOG GUM: There’s a new breath chew for canines that reportedly reduces stinky breath in just a week. It’s called PupGum, which is a huge miss when they could have called it DogGone.—MM

Tonight, the Indiana Pacers and Oklahoma City Thunder will play the first Game 7 of an NBA Finals since 2016, when LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers rallied from a 3–1 series deficit by winning the final three games of the series to beat the Golden State Warriors.

Just how close has this Pacers–Thunder series been? Through six games, OKC has outscored Indiana by just seven points. Recent history says the Pacers, despite playing Game 7 on the road, have the advantage: The last three teams to force a Game 7 in the NBA Finals went on to win the championship.—DL

Here are some illuminating scientific discoveries from the week to help you live better and maybe even see a baby tortoise.

Goliath, the 135-year-old tortoise, became a father. Electricity was still a novel invention when Goliath was born, and it took until the age of AI for him to find a mate he was willing to breed with. Earlier this month, Zoo Miami welcomed the first Galápagos tortoise hatchling ever born there, a win for the species and for handlers who had been unsuccessfully introducing Goliath to female tortoises for years. With Sweet Pea, the hatchling’s near-centenarian mother, Goliath finally found his match. The zoo submitted the pair to the Guinness Book of World Records to officially make them “The Oldest First-Time Parents in History.”

Breakthrough HIV prevention drug gets FDA approval. This week, US regulators greenlit Lenacapavir, a twice-yearly injection that was at least 96% effective at protecting against HIV infection in clinical trials. The current leading HIV prevention drug is a daily pill known as PrEP that’s 99% effective when taken on time every day, but its efficacy plummets if you skip doses. The convenience of Lenacapavir—which was Science magazine’s “Breakthrough of the Year” in 2024—could, in practice, make it more effective than PrEP if the manufacturer, Gilead Sciences, broadens access. The drug is now available in the US…but right now it costs $28,000 per year.